life is happy these days

and I’m really grateful for that.

I was sweeping floors at work yesterday and got crazy swept up in thought about the past and everything that I have walked in and out of these last few years. Sometimes when you keep busy you start to forget things, but yesterday I calmed down  long enough to remember so much and couldn’t help but see that God has been good to me. It’s been a long time since I was able to say that, and really mean it. But I really do mean it this time. And not just because I’m happy or because life seems good, but I think it’s because I have a different view on the goodness of God lately. Mostly in that I know our definitions of “good” are different because He is God and infinitely knowing… And I am a human with human eyes, human feeling, and human perspective, therefore I am probably not the best judge of good and bad — especially regarding circumstances. I think oftentimes it's easy to say that we know what's "good" or "bad" based on how we are feeling at the time, but lately I've realized that "good" can't be defined or influenced by emotion or limited perspective -- as humans, we cannot see the entire outcome. I do believe that God, who is the definer of good, and also the one who wills and purposes my life, is able to use any means for good in my life.  I'm pretty sure His definition of "good" has something to do with His own glorification and exaltation, and something to do with me becoming more like Him. And if so, I really believe in some ways, the last year of my life has served this purpose even if it hasn't felt like it, so I've come to see that not only has GOD been good, but life has been good as well. 

So yes, life is good, and happy, and thankfully, my heart feels lighter these days, but that’s not to say that it wasn’t good when I was fighting depression or crazy PTSD. Or when I wasn't sure I had the strength or desire to keep following Jesus or when I literally couldn’t talk to anyone for months. That season seemed bad. & trust me, bad doesn’t even describe how I felt inside. But looking back I know God was good then. He still kept holding onto me -- or the mess of me. He's been good. And He will remain good. When this seasons ends and the struggles come and go once again, when my heart is heavy, and when it is light, He will still be good. And I will still be me: desperately needy.

what we need

"You have a loving father, a rich inheritance. He will never put on you what he will not bear up with you. It is in the sorrow that God does his best work in us. It is in the “dark night of the soul” that the surgery necessary to give us all that we need - at the expense of the things that are  r o b b i n g  us of what we NEED - is most perfectly performed. He is not the author of evil and suffering, but He is the sovereign King of glory that will use the dark night of the soul to tie our souls to Him more and more and more. If you keep your eye on the inheritance, it becomes extremely difficult to shake your fist at the heavens on the difficult days. “

- Matt Chandler

{from the most recent sermon series, “Recovering Redemption”. The Village Church. September 8, 2013.}

This sermon series has been kicking my butt, calling my number, reading my mail. What I mean is: it's been spot on, guys. Exactly what my little heart has needed - in that kind of way where you're wiping your eyes because someone just called you on your crap and tells you there's more for you than what you're living in. That's what God's been doing in my life through this sermon series. 

It's been a constant reminder that I am a weak girl in need of immeasurable grace and mercy from God. 

It's been a constant encouragement that when we can get real with our admissions to God that we do not trust Him, it can really only get better from there. 

It's been a realization that it takes courage to look pain in the face and walk out from under the weight of shame. 

It's been the beginning of healing and freedom in my life. 

Check it out, y'all, I hope God reveals Himself to you through the messages.

live differently

It's about time to draw a line in the sand. What kind of person do I want to be? One that lets my past experiences dictate how I live my life? Or one that chooses to walk in strength and wisdom into the next thing God has for me; using the hurt and pain as lessons to learn from - and inspiration to live life differently than before? It's time to choose.

excerpt from my journal / / 13 october 13

god holds onto us.

even when we push him out.
even when we are trying desperately to hold onto him.
he is constant in holding onto us.

words from a jobless twenty-something.

i remember a few years ago when i thought i knew what i wanted to do with my life and i set about doing it. it all fell into place. i basically gave up everything to pursue what i believed i was created to do. fast forward 2 years and i'm packing my bags to move back home and leave it all behind to completely start over, wondering at what point the step of obedience began to crumble. it's hard to explain with words what kind of turmoil my soul was in, questioning why god would lead me to a place what would wound me so painfully in the end. i didn't understand it, and to be honest, i still don't.  when i drove away i couldn't shake the worry i felt over how many bridges i was probably burning and how many people i knew would believe i was crazy for leaving.

it's been seven months since i settled back into my childhood home, and thankfully i got a job immediately when returning. it was evidence of god's provision in my life and something that brought consistency during transition.  i was happy, but unfortunately, just a month ago, i realized it was time for me to quit. you know those times when you're just sure it's time to cut the ties and you're completely justified in doing so? yeah. among other reasons, i found myself 45 hours deep in work every week and taking the stress home with me each night. it wasn't worth it.

as soon as i decided i needed to quit, my frustration with god immediately returned when i realized that i was disappointing people again. and most likely burning bridges again.  the last two weeks have been both reassuring and humbling as i've realized through this process that there many things in myself that have to change. one being that my reputation is one of the most important things to me in this life. and i've recognized that i am wiling to do/sacrifice most anything to preserve it. i want people to believe the best of me, to a fault. what people think of me is probably one of the largest idols in my life.

it just so happens that the last year, i have disappointed many people and even more people have gained wrong impressions of me; for many months this has bothered me endlessly. i do not know fully why god keeps placing me in the same position with the same feelings and choices to make, but i hope i'm getting closer to figuring it out. it is a painful, but revealing process and one i am sure isn't pointless.

i still care what others think of me, much more than i should. and i still wondering why i must be the one to upset people i care about, but i'm resolved to hold on, knowing that i am maturing through it all.

so here i am. 22. jobless. living in my parents home. 

everything i thought i wanted, i don't want anymore. and i have no idea what i am supposed to be doing in this life from here on out, even though i'm trying to figure it out.

but i do know that i'm growing. i'm learning to wait. and i'm holding onto hope.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

this was previously the blog that kept my supporters up to date on what was happening in my little missionary world. and because i am no longer doing "ministry" - updates have not been needed.

now it's taken me 7 months to decide i don't want to quit the blogging world. this brain of mine has more thoughts and questions than ever before. so i suppose this will become the brain blog; the leaking of my deep questions and feelings that i've felt for the last 7 months, and even long before then, and what the current Raegan thinks and feels in my now somewhat normal day-to-day life as i still try to figure out what's next.

i'm probably fooling myself into thinking that someone, somewhere out there might find this blog and my words gripping, most everyone will probably not make it through the first sentence without noting that these are pointless ramblings of a twenty-something, but somewhere deep inside, i hope that maybe someday this might be an encouragement to you or someone you may know. i've found at times all i really want is to feel understood, for someone to tell me they've been where i'm at and that life will go on.

"...be all there."

Believe it or not, I began preparation for the next school this last Monday. The Spring DTS starts on April 8 and I've also been asked to lead another outreach over the summer. Can you believe it? It seems like I just returned from Iceland and said goodbye to my last students... probably because I just did. 

I'll admit, I'm tired. The season I'm coming out of was probably one of the hardest seasons of my life, but I've chosen to jump into this next school full force, knowing that God has something for me and for these students in the next 6 months. God has taught me so much in this last season of ministry, I'm thankful that I can look back and see that it wasn't wasted time because I know that He grew me up a bit. I'm approaching the next school it very optimistically, remembering that God brought me here a year ago and my main reason for coming was because I wanted to serve and I wanted to make disciples and that's what I'll be doing.

Please be praying for this upcoming school, and for me, too. After this next school, I will only have a few months left of my commitment and I would love to know what I'm supposed to be doing after that,  I would love to gain some sort of direction for the future over these next 6 months. If you could join me in prayer for that, it would be great. 

Love you all. Thanks for reading, supporting, loving.

rae