and I’m really grateful for that.
I was sweeping floors at work yesterday and got crazy swept up in thought about the past and everything that I have walked in and out of these last few years. Sometimes when you keep busy you start to forget things, but yesterday I calmed down long enough to remember so much and couldn’t help but see that God has been good to me. It’s been a long time since I was able to say that, and really mean it. But I really do mean it this time. And not just because I’m happy or because life seems good, but I think it’s because I have a different view on the goodness of God lately. Mostly in that I know our definitions of “good” are different because He is God and infinitely knowing… And I am a human with human eyes, human feeling, and human perspective, therefore I am probably not the best judge of good and bad — especially regarding circumstances. I think oftentimes it's easy to say that we know what's "good" or "bad" based on how we are feeling at the time, but lately I've realized that "good" can't be defined or influenced by emotion or limited perspective -- as humans, we cannot see the entire outcome. I do believe that God, who is the definer of good, and also the one who wills and purposes my life, is able to use any means for good in my life. I'm pretty sure His definition of "good" has something to do with His own glorification and exaltation, and something to do with me becoming more like Him. And if so, I really believe in some ways, the last year of my life has served this purpose even if it hasn't felt like it, so I've come to see that not only has GOD been good, but life has been good as well.
So yes, life is good, and happy, and thankfully, my heart feels lighter these days, but that’s not to say that it wasn’t good when I was fighting depression or crazy PTSD. Or when I wasn't sure I had the strength or desire to keep following Jesus or when I literally couldn’t talk to anyone for months. That season seemed bad. & trust me, bad doesn’t even describe how I felt inside. But looking back I know God was good then. He still kept holding onto me -- or the mess of me. He's been good. And He will remain good. When this seasons ends and the struggles come and go once again, when my heart is heavy, and when it is light, He will still be good. And I will still be me: desperately needy.
