words from a jobless twenty-something.

i remember a few years ago when i thought i knew what i wanted to do with my life and i set about doing it. it all fell into place. i basically gave up everything to pursue what i believed i was created to do. fast forward 2 years and i'm packing my bags to move back home and leave it all behind to completely start over, wondering at what point the step of obedience began to crumble. it's hard to explain with words what kind of turmoil my soul was in, questioning why god would lead me to a place what would wound me so painfully in the end. i didn't understand it, and to be honest, i still don't.  when i drove away i couldn't shake the worry i felt over how many bridges i was probably burning and how many people i knew would believe i was crazy for leaving.

it's been seven months since i settled back into my childhood home, and thankfully i got a job immediately when returning. it was evidence of god's provision in my life and something that brought consistency during transition.  i was happy, but unfortunately, just a month ago, i realized it was time for me to quit. you know those times when you're just sure it's time to cut the ties and you're completely justified in doing so? yeah. among other reasons, i found myself 45 hours deep in work every week and taking the stress home with me each night. it wasn't worth it.

as soon as i decided i needed to quit, my frustration with god immediately returned when i realized that i was disappointing people again. and most likely burning bridges again.  the last two weeks have been both reassuring and humbling as i've realized through this process that there many things in myself that have to change. one being that my reputation is one of the most important things to me in this life. and i've recognized that i am wiling to do/sacrifice most anything to preserve it. i want people to believe the best of me, to a fault. what people think of me is probably one of the largest idols in my life.

it just so happens that the last year, i have disappointed many people and even more people have gained wrong impressions of me; for many months this has bothered me endlessly. i do not know fully why god keeps placing me in the same position with the same feelings and choices to make, but i hope i'm getting closer to figuring it out. it is a painful, but revealing process and one i am sure isn't pointless.

i still care what others think of me, much more than i should. and i still wondering why i must be the one to upset people i care about, but i'm resolved to hold on, knowing that i am maturing through it all.

so here i am. 22. jobless. living in my parents home. 

everything i thought i wanted, i don't want anymore. and i have no idea what i am supposed to be doing in this life from here on out, even though i'm trying to figure it out.

but i do know that i'm growing. i'm learning to wait. and i'm holding onto hope.

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this was previously the blog that kept my supporters up to date on what was happening in my little missionary world. and because i am no longer doing "ministry" - updates have not been needed.

now it's taken me 7 months to decide i don't want to quit the blogging world. this brain of mine has more thoughts and questions than ever before. so i suppose this will become the brain blog; the leaking of my deep questions and feelings that i've felt for the last 7 months, and even long before then, and what the current Raegan thinks and feels in my now somewhat normal day-to-day life as i still try to figure out what's next.

i'm probably fooling myself into thinking that someone, somewhere out there might find this blog and my words gripping, most everyone will probably not make it through the first sentence without noting that these are pointless ramblings of a twenty-something, but somewhere deep inside, i hope that maybe someday this might be an encouragement to you or someone you may know. i've found at times all i really want is to feel understood, for someone to tell me they've been where i'm at and that life will go on.