it's been a while...

time to catch up!

+ i am out of school. no more finals. no more classes. no more howard college. no more nursing. no more studying. i am freeeeee. & it's wonderful.

+ my se asia trip is completely paid for! God has once again provided every penny. :) it's wonderful. HE is wonderful.

+ i knit all the time. and when i'm not knitting, i'm crocheting. and when i'm not crocheting, i'm thinking about all of the knitting/crocheting jobs i have to do. it's pretty insane.

+ we went and looked at christmas lights tonight. i like my little city. and it's traditions. we have a street that is decked out every year. it's a light tour that the city puts up, and we walked it tonight. fun fun times. pics to come.

& that is all i feel like talking about this evening.

i'm gonna go watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch. 

xo xo xo xo

healed.

Ebenezer, not only a cool word, but a cool meaning.

It means STONE OF HELP.

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between

Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying,

'Thus far has the Lord helped us.''

Today I was thinking about my life.

And I realized something... that the story my life tells is one of healing, and a story of God's faithfulness.

I also realized that not many people know my story, and though my life isn't super interesting, I think that's a shame... because God has done a lot of great things in my life, and maybe if i tell you what he has done, you might see His heart for you as well.

I'll start from the beginning:

I was born in August of '91, and immediately my parents knew that something was different about me... I looked different. My tongue & chin were larger than normal and the doctor thought I might have Down Syndrome. After examining further, they found that there was a tumor underneath my tongue, called a Lymphangioma, that linked from the back of my neck all the way around the left side of my chin. The tumor was not cancerous and was made up of lymph nodes. It made my tongue and chin very large... but I began to grow up and for a few years the tumor didn't have a huge effect on my life. I could eat, speak, drink... like anyone else, I just looked different.  When I was 3, one day the tumor began to swell, and i was taken to the hospital because it could easily swell & cut off my air supply. My parents found out that I would have to have part of my tumor removed, the operation is extremely risky, especially at a young age... but they knew it had to be done. Everyone related to me began to pray and pray and pray and have others pray for me as well, and successfully, the operation removed most of the tumor from my body. The fact that I made it through that operation was a miracle and that increased the faith of my family. I recovered & learned how to speak and eat all over again and thankfully, I lived a normal life and the tumor never interfered with my life except for when I get sick. To this day the remaining part of the tumor still swells up to help my body fight infection.

     Fast forward about 13 years... when I was 16, I went on a mission trip to Cambodia for a month and then to Mexico & during that time I saw and experienced so many cool things, all things that God was doing... I saw people come to believe in God for the first time, I saw people healed from sickness, I saw people changed. In turn, my life was changed. The day I returned home it was like my whole body just crashed... I was so sick and once again, my tumor began to swell. I remember shivering through that night as my body was overcome with sickness while I slept. The next morning my tongue and chin were so swollen that I couldn't speak, eat, or even drink. I communicated through writing, and after a day of intense pain, I begged my mom to take me to the hospital. I remember walking in the hospital and having people glance at me from the corner of their eye and immediately looking away. It actually made me laugh, because I'm sure I looked really strange with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. After an hour or two in the waiting room, I finally saw the doctor, who immediately hooked me up to an IV and began running a number of tests to find out what was wrong with me. The only thing I remember is pain, but I know I was in that examination room for a very long time. I was told that I had a number of things wrong with my body that was causing my tumor to swell so badly. Staph infection, strep throughout my body, septic blood, and dehydration... those are the things I remember.

     I left that day with pain killers and plans to return back the next day. The pain killers wore off very soon. Too soon. I remember sitting in a chair in my living room, looking at my dad and writing notes to communicate with him. I remember telling him that I either wanted God to heal my body or just to let me die because I was in so much pain. I didn't understand, I had just spent a month overseas seeing God do amazing things, I KNEW He was completely able to heal my body... but obviously He hadn't, at least not yet, and there was a reason why I was in such pain. So I continued to pray that God would heal me. An hour or two later, a friend showed up at my house with a milkshake for me. Honestly, I was a little frustrated because I hadn't eaten in days... She came and sat by my side and asked if there was anything she could do for me. The only thing I knew to do was to pray, so I put my hands together and motioned for her to pray over me. As she prayed, I fell asleep and when I woke up she was gone and I felt SOOO much better, I could drink water! I fell back and asleep and woke up again, and felt even better than before! By the next morning I could eat and even speak a little bit. At that time I had wanted to die and be with God. That had seemed so much better than the pain. I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord healed my body that day at my house.

    The fact that I am alive today is a miracle. My life. The breath I just took. The fact that I lived past 3 years old. The fact that I lived past 16 years old. The fact that God has allowed me life.... it's all a miracle.  & let me tell you... God has not only healed my body. God has also healed my heart. When my heart was shattered in a thousand pieces after looking for satisfaction in relationships and not in HIM, when I'd pretty much hit rock bottom... I looked to God for healing and with no reluctance at all, He took my heart and healed it. He put it back together again, and with the Truth of His Word, He showed me what it meant to be loved, to be healed by Him once again.

     When I think of where I could be... To think that I could be dead, I could've gone from one relationship to the next, trying to patch up a broken heart... And to see the truth: that I am HERE, I am ALIVE, I am whole and complete in Christ alone, the fact that God has healed me in a number of ways - I know that He must have a plan and a purpose for my life. There is a reason for the miracle that is my life. God has a way of using seemingly hopeless situations and futures to show His character and His goodness, to show that He is GOD.  I have no idea what kind of struggles, situations, and obstacles I will face in the future, but I know I am not alone, my God cares for me. It's so obvious. I also have my past and my life as an Ebenezer, a constant reminder of God's faithfulness in my life, so that in the future when all I see is hopelessness, I can remember that God has been faithful up to now. His faithfulness never ends.

     There's a great chance that I don't know who you are or what exactly you're going through, but I do know that my God is extremely huge and He cares for you. He cares about your well being, your health, your heart, your soul, your future. He loves you & I know He has a plan and a purpose for your life. I hope the story of my life will serve as a reminder to you, as well, that He is REAL. That He is GOOD. And that He still works in lives today.

what i have been up doing:

oh! & look at our tree...

i love it. :)

i have GOT to go to sleep now.
goodnight, world.

xo xo xo

what a great Thanksgiving.

pics:

 cutest. kid.

 table settings.

 gooooods.

 oh, Gidget. :)

 fire. & my knitting.

 geese.

 cousins. <3

 kamryn.

 adison.

 avery.

 love this pic.

 finished my first cowl/loop scarf! :)

love these girls!

xo xo xo

travels.

Finally talked to YWAM.

 A girl named Makenzie and I have been playing phone tag for almost a week now. 

I finally called her on my break  last night. 

Man, oh man. I'm excited. She prayed for me. Prayed that God would begin preparing my heart for what I was going to learn and experience because it's going to be an intense school. She prayed for my family and friends and against the enemy. It made me more excited to get there. Thinking about day 1 there kind of makes me anxious. Just being ALONE in a completely foreign place and no chance of running back home. haha. I'm praying God prepares me even for that. :)

We're on our way to visit family for Thanksgiving. I'm ready to see my cousins and grandparents! i'm ready to wake up to the tv playing the Thanksgiving Day parade and smelling the turkey in the oven. Don't worry, I'll take some photos. I hope to run and shop, too. :)

That's all for tonight. 

xo xo xo

rae.

i love my sister.

watching Christmas With the Kranks with my sis right now.
i love my sister. man. she's been my best friend my whole life.
a lot of people never get to have a sister that is also a best friend.
that definitely makes me blessed.
i always have someone to watch silly movies with.
and talk to on the way home from hanging out all night.
and someone that always tells jokes that make me laugh.
and someone that truly cares about my life.
i am blessed.

on another note, i'm going to be up editing photos all night.
i've taken a really long time getting these out.

meet Karlee. she is gorgeous:

xo xo xo

one man's junk = another man's treasure.

finished up our lovely 2 family garage sale.
we made a good amount of money for our trip to se asia. :)
it's getting closer and closer.
okay, i'm pooped. it's nap time...

xo xo xo

school might be the death of me...

this morning i had an 8am anatomy and physiology test on all of the muscles of the body.
definitely fun.... kidding...
my second class got cancelled so i'm just hanging out at school.

i feel very out of place here.
a lot of different people here, but none that i really relate with.
but i know i am here for this time, and i will give it all i've got.
i made a friend named Chaeyeon. she is probably the only foreign student here in this tiny little college, and God smiled at me when He sat me next to her in class. she is from South Korea. we talk about the world a lot. and traveling. and i guess she's seen me reading my bible because she brought up martyrs the other day. crazy, crazy stories. if you think about it, pray for my friend, that God would give me open doors to talk to her about Him.

i've just spent the last 20 minutes flipping through the ywam montana site.
i'e watched all their videos.... go watch them here.
haha, they give me a small glimpse of that place...
i don't even know if i am going there in april, but i sure hope so.
my heart is there.
i should know within a week and a half.

hurry, hurry, hurry, week and a half. 

the past 3 days have been sooo long. :)

about 5 weeks until southeast asia.
selling scarves and having a garage sale this weekend.
trying to raise that money.
good thing my god owns the world.

that's all for now, folks.
off to get things done!

have a lovely thursday.
xo xo xo.

/. \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \ ' / . \

5:45pm

they just called.

found the voicemail...

i got accepted.

:)

good

good

day.

God is faithful.

enough.

jesus is enough.


"Just to know that You are near is enough.
Just to know You & be loved is enough."

but is it really?
for me, it is really?
is Jesus really enough for me?
that is the question of my heart today.
i know the truth, but what does my heart believe...

Jesus is beyond enough.

& i am thankful for that today.
because i know that no matter what happens with
work
ywam
relationships
church
trips
school
my health
food
music
family
the future
...
just knowing him is enough.
today he is enough.
because His mercies are NEW every. single. day.
and He has saved me.
and i will have Him for eternity.
He is my reward.
not heaven.
not riches.
not health.
not even eternity itself.


but HIM.
He is my reward.

& today... that is enough for me.

rainy day.

it's a rainy day here.
and i am off of work.
so i'm watching some sleepless in seattle & cleaning the room today.
i need to de-clutter! gearing up for a garage sale to raise money for my trip.
plus... i have too many things. i want to live more simply.

had a burrito date with my dad this morning. it was great.
we talked about jesus, my favorite thing to talk about. :)
i love my dad.

i sent the last of my ywam papers off this morning.
so now it's waiting time! i'm ready to hear from them.

love.

oh, blog.

how i like coming home to you at the end of a long day.

:)

life is good.

i am a blessed girl.

but life around here has been kind of weird lately...

i know it won't always be this way. just a season, probably.

maybe it's school.

or work.

or relationships.

everything seems kind of out of whack, except for jesus.

i can't say that about other times in life like this.

i've always been distant from the lord so it showed in every aspect of my life.

this isn't like that. so maybe it's just a test.

or maybe the lord's way of readying me for where he is leading me.

ywam. 

april. 

5 months from now.

if i get accepted. 

haha, praying i do. but mostly just for the lord's will.

okay, time to watch a movie with my sister and mother. :)

tonight's viewing of Elvis & Anabelle.

i'll let you know what i think! 

:) good.night

waiting...

the Lord is teaching me to wait on him.


"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage
and He shall strengthen your heart."

waiting makes us stronger.
waiting teaches us to be thankful for what we have.
waiting develops patience. character. hope.

it is good to wait.

i want to be better at waiting patiently.
as a servant waits on a table, that's how i want to wait on the lord.
keeping a watchful eye. and when they ask me to do something, i do it. but not a moment before.
that's how i want to wait on my God.

job. provision. ywam. husband. 
friends. family. school. vision.

i will wait.
make me stronger, Lord.

"For He knows the way that I take,
and when He has tried me,
I will come forth as gold."

random:

no waiting tables for me today.
2 days off in a row- completely unheard of! but i'm thankful.

our se asia team had a meeting last night...
where we ate se asian cuisine,
talked about our lives and this upcoming trip,
prayed with and for one another,
looked at photos,
and lastly... made s'mores. :)

it was a good night. it made me grateful for people that follow Jesus. i have a lot of good examples set before me. i'm thankful for people that stir my affections for jesus and make me want to know him. i want to be a woman that stirs other people's affections for him, too.

i'm ready to go here:

i'm thankful for seasons today.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

  a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

  a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

  a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

  a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

  a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

  a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace."

love.

grace through faith.

It's late & I am not working tomorrow! I'm so excited to have a whole day off.... Not one thing to do. I like it. :) Right now we are watching Oceans, which is a beautiful movie. If you have a chance, do watch.

We had our bible study/small group tonight... We are in the final weeks of Radical by David Platt.

     I've enjoyed our journey through this book so far. It has challenged my beliefs, and challenged me to search out what the Bible says about true disciples & followers of Jesus.  One thing led to another & after most of the people had gone home, a few of us stayed around talking about how to share with lost people, how God uses terrible situations in life for His glory, etc. A friend of mine was struggling with the question of... What if it honors God more for me or you to go to hell if our going to hell means that countless other people get to be in heaven? Does this mean some are just not going to be saved? & this really made me think... I mean, even in the Bible... there's Goliath. Didn't God's heart desire for Goliath to be saved? & yet... God was glorified when Goliath was killed. Same with Pharaoh. It says that God hardened his heart. And with countless other wars and victories. People were defeated and God was glorified through their death. It makes people wonder, you know? Especially if doubting your salvation has been a struggle of yours in the first place. I mean, by the Bible we know that we are saved BY GRACE - THROUGH FAITH, and that was a gift from God... Not by works so that no man can boast. Isn't doubt of salvation maybe in some small way thinking that YOU did something to be saved in the first place? OR that you CAN do something to make sure you are saved? I know that is not the truth. Obviously. I mean, the Bible says so. It also says that ANYONE that calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. If you are out there reading & have any sort of insight, please put in your two cents. :)  Also... There's the whole issue for those that were "saved" at a young age. & obviously as you grow you understand more fully. I can say I had no clue what Salvation was. At least not what I know now. And based on what I know now, it's hard to believe that my salvation was true. I didn't know the complete story. But I know now. So when did my salvation occur? Do we have to have a certain point in time to look back on? Is that Biblical?  I understand now that I am a wretched sinner... completely and utterly hopeless & in need of Jesus Christ. He loved me enough to die for me. To give it all & sacrifice Himself. So that I could take on His righteousness and be a right standing with God. I have chosen to follow this God. I owe Him my life, and that is what I offer Him. All of this... I know now. But even if I know the truth now, can I have a solid faith that has a faulty foundation? I started my faith on the understanding of:  I'm a sinner. Jesus died so that I could be with Him in heaven. That's all I knew at 6 years old. I believe with all that I am that God knows my heart. He knew my heart when I was 6 years old. Why has doubting salvation been such an issue? I lived with it for years. I know Satan longs for us to be isolated. Idle. Ineffective. He is a scheming little guy, isn't he? Bleh. I also know my God is victorious. The enemy has already been defeated. He was defeated when Jesus conquered death. Which gives me hope for this whole question in my soul.

    This topic brings up another thought in my mind and something I've been wondering about. I am terrified about how people are growing up in church, what they are being preached, and mostly what they are understanding and interpreting salvation to be. I'm scared that we as the American church have made salvation into a system or formula of sorts. You got your ABC's... Admit, Believe, Confess. 3 simple steps and you are saved! Bam. Then there's the whole walking down the aisle thing. There's also the bow your head thing.... where you repeat a prayer word for word & then you are now saved. I don't hear about a lot of churches preaching the true gospel anymore. I know I grew up on these man-made principles. They scare me. It scares me to think that people are growing up in this. No one really mentions the taking up your cross daily. The counting on Jesus alone to save you part...  It scares me to imagine what type of Christians we are raising up by what is being preached. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's not being preached at all. There are some, praise Him. I just know what it's like to be a screwed up child of a lot of legalism and religion. I grew up to be a pretty good pharisee. Praise God that He has brought me to points of understanding and really just showing me WHO HE IS. I'm thankful for that. He knows what He's doin'! :) This is definitely an issue I will be praying about. I know I want my future children to grow up to know the true Gospel. I want to have children that know and FOLLOW Jesus with their whole heart. It's our duty to speak and preach the true Gospel that is Jesus Christ.

Bottom line is... 

I trust in God alone for my salvation. 

Nothing I can do or say. All Him. There are a lot of things I don't completely understand about salvation, a lot of things I am still working out. & I am willing to wrestle. I am willing to seek my God for answers and peace and understanding.  I trust Him.

Alright...

I could keep typing and typing and typing...

But I think I've bored you long enough.

Whoever "you" are that reads this. :)

Hope

"Even youth grow tired & weary,  young men stumble & fall. 

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles, they will walk & not grow weary,

they will run and not grow faint."

God was strong in my weaknesses today.

I had nothing to offer anyone today, but He worked it out.

Thanks, Lord.

I set my hope on You.

Restless.

Still waiting on that form for YWAM. Time is ticking, but no worries.  I made this friend over Twitter randomly one day, we had both been talking about YWAM or something, he just left for Wales to be a part of a DTS there. He sent me a short message yesterday: "I'm here in Wales. This is seriously the biggest blessing I have ever been a part of in my life. Praise God, the healer of hearts & bringer of peace." I want to be a part of something like that.  I want to learn how to evangelize. I want to learn how to share the Gospel more effectively. & yes, I want to be blessed. 


My heart is somewhere else today... Maybe in the past. Or maybe even in the future. I can't help but wonder what the next few months and years hold for me, what the Lord holds for me. Following Him is a great adventure, terrifying at times. It's a weird thing to know that at some point in my life I might be persecuted for my faith. I might be tortured. I might be opposed. I might be rejected. Honestly, the fact that I have faced hardly any, if not none at all, of these things... that disturbs me. I want that to change. I want to be refined. But I want to have faith that will last and stand firm in the face of opposition. I want that to be true of my life even now. Holy Spirit, grant me opportunities. May I be a right and true representation of who You are. I want to be refined as gold in the fire. Purified. More like Him.


I have a lot of wishes in me. And once again, my daily occurrence, Lord, they are Yours. Sometimes hope hurts, you know? It's also hard to know if the things I hope for are from the Lord or just from my flesh. Sometimes I feel like they're from Him, & sometimes I feel that they're from me. Maybe it's not a matter of things I hope for... but of who I am hoping in... But what does it look like to hope in the Lord anyway? How would my life reflect this? Has God given me hopes and dreams? & do I count on them? Is that faith? & is faith saying, 'God, this is what I  hope for, and I hold it with open hands. Do what You want with it."? Having faith even when you aren't sure... I guess that is the point I want to get to. Submission. Ultimately, I know that God is working all things out for the good of those that truly love Him... He is working things out for my GOOD. And I know that He is able to do and accomplish immeasurably more than I could ever hope for. Ask for. Imagine. So Praise Him... because one day I truly believe that no matter where I'm at in life, that one day I will look back and be able to say... "Wow, God has done more than I could've ever hoped for. To think of all that I desired when I was 19... and look how much MORE He had in store... hallelujah." & may I be a woman lead by His spirit enough to be able to say this one day.

"My heart is Yours.
It's You that I hold on to."

You know, Jesus is good. He gave me something today, a little treasure, an answered prayer:
  "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we should,
    but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And 
    He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit 
    intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those 
    that love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according 
    to His purpose." Romans 8:26-28


This was exactly what I needed to hear. I mean, let's be honest, I'm a human being. I have my own desires and dreams and wants... And I want them very badly. A lot of times, I don't see how they could work out, or if God even wants them to be fulfilled, so I always beg God to just hear my heart, or to change my mind or desires, etc. This was so good to hear, because I had just gotten done telling Him that it was His. Every part. And I hold  my life before Him with open hands. My heart is His. I am clinging to Him and His will. Because I know that anything less won't be enough. Jesus is enough for me. I confess it. I want it to be true of my life. I believe He truly gave this verse to me, it gives me comfort to know that Jesus is not only praying... but groaning on my behalf. Praying that God's will would be done in my life. I am asking the same things. After that, it says that for those that love the Lord, He's working things out for their good. Ultimately. Even if it doesn't seem like it to these human eyes. 

He is working things out for my good. 

So whether that means that I will receive all that I desire or if God's will is not at all what I desire now... it will be wonderful. It will be good because it is His will.

Lord, teach me to love you more. 


I know that His will is perfect and flawless. 
Make my heart crave the things that you are about, draw my heart from worldly things.

hi there.

welcome to my humble blog.

welcome to my 

thoughts, my dreams, my struggles, my moods, my days...

happy reading!

xo xo xo

rae