Restless.

Still waiting on that form for YWAM. Time is ticking, but no worries.  I made this friend over Twitter randomly one day, we had both been talking about YWAM or something, he just left for Wales to be a part of a DTS there. He sent me a short message yesterday: "I'm here in Wales. This is seriously the biggest blessing I have ever been a part of in my life. Praise God, the healer of hearts & bringer of peace." I want to be a part of something like that.  I want to learn how to evangelize. I want to learn how to share the Gospel more effectively. & yes, I want to be blessed. 


My heart is somewhere else today... Maybe in the past. Or maybe even in the future. I can't help but wonder what the next few months and years hold for me, what the Lord holds for me. Following Him is a great adventure, terrifying at times. It's a weird thing to know that at some point in my life I might be persecuted for my faith. I might be tortured. I might be opposed. I might be rejected. Honestly, the fact that I have faced hardly any, if not none at all, of these things... that disturbs me. I want that to change. I want to be refined. But I want to have faith that will last and stand firm in the face of opposition. I want that to be true of my life even now. Holy Spirit, grant me opportunities. May I be a right and true representation of who You are. I want to be refined as gold in the fire. Purified. More like Him.


I have a lot of wishes in me. And once again, my daily occurrence, Lord, they are Yours. Sometimes hope hurts, you know? It's also hard to know if the things I hope for are from the Lord or just from my flesh. Sometimes I feel like they're from Him, & sometimes I feel that they're from me. Maybe it's not a matter of things I hope for... but of who I am hoping in... But what does it look like to hope in the Lord anyway? How would my life reflect this? Has God given me hopes and dreams? & do I count on them? Is that faith? & is faith saying, 'God, this is what I  hope for, and I hold it with open hands. Do what You want with it."? Having faith even when you aren't sure... I guess that is the point I want to get to. Submission. Ultimately, I know that God is working all things out for the good of those that truly love Him... He is working things out for my GOOD. And I know that He is able to do and accomplish immeasurably more than I could ever hope for. Ask for. Imagine. So Praise Him... because one day I truly believe that no matter where I'm at in life, that one day I will look back and be able to say... "Wow, God has done more than I could've ever hoped for. To think of all that I desired when I was 19... and look how much MORE He had in store... hallelujah." & may I be a woman lead by His spirit enough to be able to say this one day.